Keeping Your Head Above Water: How to Fest Sober

Whether you’re the designated driver, certified Mom of the group, a sole brain among your well-meaning, albeit degenerate friends (and as such are morally obliged to behave – somewhat – responsibly), underage, or simply don’t drink, we at float fest want you to know that – despite the propagated festival mentality – it is, not only possible, but easy to party sober at float fest while having one hell of a time. Better yet, you’re guaranteed to remember every moment. So, here it is: our comprehensive guide to inundate yourself in all thinks Float Fest while staying “dry.”

Float: If you want the full “Float” Fest experience…you need to float – this goes double if you’re a virgin floater on the San Marvelous River. Simply put, the lush landscape, tranquil waters, and Big Gigantic Texas sky is breathtaking. Furthermore, the sober floater isn’t disadvantaged when navigating rapids, attempting to remain afloat, tugging a cooler, or juggling a six-pack. Instead, you simply lay back, take in rays, take a dip (or two) and relax.

Fest: As the sober listener you can fully immerse yourself in the Float Fest lineup. Mind unclouded, you are able to hear and appreciate every riff, every bar, and you won’t have to lose your front row spot to grab another brew (or cause the last 5 are running through you). Get lost in the music – not the sauce.

Game: Just cause you aren’t drinking doesn’t mean you can’t play, and win. This year Float Fest will feature LIFE-SIZE beer pong, GIANT corn hole, and your classic array of carnival games. Best part, with your fine motor skills and wit fully intact you should be able to kick your friends’ collective butts after they get a few deep. Sure, the liquid courage may – initially – improve their game, but what comes up must come stumbling down, and that’s when you capitalize. What I’m trying to convey here is that there is a lot to do at Float Fest besides excessively downing brews and mindlessly head-bobbing to any anonymous beat within earshot.

Ride: Best yet, without a belly bloated with bud light and corn-dogs, you can take advantage of our newly installed, full-blown carnival. Undeterred by the fear of blowing chunks, you’ll ride the fest on our scorching Sizzler. Unwavering, you’ll shout out in unadulterated joy as the centrifugal force of our Round Up whirls you round and round; minus the “spins” you’ll be able to walk off with a head held high – rather than being aided or carried off by friends, volunteers or worst case scenario security. Moreover, the romantic round on our Ferris Wheel is a lot more intimate when you can take in the lights and laughter through clear lenses (and you aren’t fighting a gag reflex as your significant other takes the obligatory Instagram pic at the peak). Our roller-coaster? Don’t get me started. In my humble and ineffectual opinion, only the fully, or near-so, coherent should dare hop on that ride – the imagined collateral damage from a front row spew is just too great and gross a risk.

Feast: The irony is not lost that fire water (especially at a festival) really does burn a hole in your pocket. Unburdened by that expense – on both budget and appetite – you’re free to feast at the fest. Gorge yourself! Sample the best food trucks and vendors in the great state of Texas. Feeling’ some tacos? Torchy’s has you covered with tex-mex covered in queso. More of a BBQ day? Schmidt’s has the beef, and it falls straight off the bone. Whatever you’re feeling, you won’t have to search far or wide, we’ve got it.

Many of you already know this, but to the college students who drew the short straw and are on the leash to drive the crew home: a sober party doesn’t have to be a somber party – this goes double at Float Fest. We’ve worked hard to provide a near superfluous. If you’re bored you’re doing something wrong, and the bottle doesn’t have to be the solution. Look around, and you’ll find an endless amount of activities to experience. Those in a sober or at least coherent state have, in all honestly, are likely to have a more immersive, well-rounded festival experience. Finally, to all the DD’s taking one for the team, your responsible action is not lost on us. We cannot thank you enough. See you on The Ranch, and please remember to rage responsibly, spread good-vibes, and have a great time.